Getting Married? Till Death Do You Part? Really?

Staying together, till death do you part is  a pretty good place to start from.  However, given that we can potentially have five or more careers in our lifetime and might live to be older than 80 or 90 or 100, then we also might want to develop another model that does not inflict so much blame and pain on a couple should they choose to let go and start over again with regard to relationships.

Granted, this is not going to be met with approval by many people, some religious camps or some of our elders, but how is staying together in an unhappy marriage healthy? The partners have more stress, and thus, more illness, less joy,.  They probably have less sex, which often leads to getting  it outside of the marriage, which is usually very painful for the couple once this is revealed.

Now some couples feel they should stay together in an unfullfilling marriage for the sake children.  Let us look at this reason to stay locked in a marriage of unfullfillment.  These children will grow up thinking that this model of marriage, their parents’, is what a marriage should be.  A model of union that lacks true love  is not very helpful once they grow up and try to create a healthy marriage of their own.  It is also why many grow up and say, “I don’t want to get married.” Kids are smart. They know if their parents are happy or not.  The parents may refrain from yelling and criticizing each other in front of their children butit does not mean it feels good to grow up in an environment like absent the warmth and joy of a healthy marriage. It is actually quite crazy making.

People also stay together just because “divorce” still has a lot of negative connotations.  It is hardly greeted with a positive reaction when announced.   Rather, it conjures up many negative ones, from the concept of failure, to disapproval ,rejection and financial ruin. Couples can stay together just because they don’t want to deal with these things.

So, instead, we need to have a more accepted and healthier way to allow couples that have outgrown their relationship in what ever fashion, for whatever reason, to tell the truth, let go and move on. No blame. No shame. No recriminations. Just letting go. Ideally it is what “No Fault” divorce should be, but most of the time it is not.  It is full of blame and fault and hard feelings.

What I term “Conscious joining/conscious parting” is a model that is just starting to be recognized.  Sometimes it is called Uncoupling, made popular by Gwenth Paltrow and her partner when they sent out such an announcement to their community that they were doing just that.  It is a way to release yourself and your partner from the agreement you made to be a couple.  Couples come together freely through mutual attraction and develop a relationship. Now might be time to realize that it might be just as  be natural at some point that they might want to part from that form of relationship with each other.  They might want to perhaps just be friends, particularly if that is what their relationship has turned into—just friendship.  No passion anymore, no strong desire to be together, or deep connection, just friends.  Well they do not have to be in a marriage to be friends. A marriage is not about being just friends or just roommates.

To have a good or great marriage means you have found someone you want to live the rest of your days, to grow with, to grow old with, literally. It means that you look forward to coming home to that person, to sharing about your day, your life, your dreams, and you are interested in theirs in return. You have a physical attraction to the person, a chemistry that keeps you together.  IF this wanes, as it often can, you learn how to keep the fire burning anyway.  You learn how to develop a long lasting fulfilling sexual relationship, one that keeps you connected, well,  and wanting to stay together. If this can not be rekindled then you might want to consider letting go. It just may be your bodies are speaking truth that is hard for your head to accept, due to conditioning, but you might be happier letting go, consciously, with care, truth and compassion, to be free to explore a new life with someone else.

It happens. It is not bad. It just happens. Sometimes you outgrow each other, or your values change or you learn something about yourself that you did not know when you first came together, but now you do and things are different, like when a partner discovers that they are actually gay and want to be with someone the same sex. That is not a crime. It happens. Just tell the truth, lovingly,  to your partner, as soon as you can. Do not hide it or lie. Thank God you finally know the truth.  It has been felt all along anyway, but now you can see clearly why you may not have had the marriage you thought you should have, and you can let go.

A conscious joining- conscious parting relationship says I love you and want to be with you in this form, marriage, and only want the best for you.  If we need to part I will still love you but the form of our relationship needs to change.  I still want only what is  best for you, till the end of time.   You give each other a kiss and say good-bye. Parting in this way is not hurtful. It can still be sad but it might not even be that. It just might be the end of this form. That is possibly all.

Margaret Mead, the famous anthropologist, was once asked in an interview to comment on her three failed marriages. She thought for a moment, and then said she did not have three failed marriages. In fact, she had three successful ones. Each one was perfect for that time in her life.

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Article Author: Roslyn Whitney is a spiritual life coach, combining her psychology Masters with the world of spirituality and the advanced transformational tools of HPT, NLP, and meditation. She is the creator of the Life Mastery Program which helps you focus on the most significant thing to move your forward in life. She focuses on helping people transform in love and work – to create beautiful and spectacularly fulfilling lives. www.roslynwhitney.com

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